So my therapist handed me a piece of paper last Tuesday. “Draw everyone important in your life,” she said. “Show me how they connect to you.”
Thought it would take five minutes. An hour later, I’m sitting there with what looks like a toddler’s scribbles. Lines are going everywhere. Names crossed out. Complete chaos.
“Right,” she says, looking at my masterpiece. “You’re treating your mate’s girlfriend like she’s your sister. You expect Dave from work to care about your personal problems. And you’re confused why that girl you’ve been seeing won’t meet your mum.”
Ouch. But fair point.
Family Stuff (The People Who Know Too Much)
Your family are the first people you practice relationships with. They’ve seen you at your absolute worst and somehow still invite you for Sunday dinner.
The thing is, family isn’t just who you’re related to anymore. My mate Jenny comes to every family gathering. Has been doing it for eight years. My actual cousin? Haven’t seen him since 2019.
Jenny remembers my birthday without Facebook reminders. She knows I hate mushrooms. She’ll pick me up from the airport at stupid o’clock without moaning about it.
That’s family behaviour, isn’t it?
But family relationships are mental. They love you automatically, which is brilliant. They also think they can comment on your life choices, which is less brilliant.
My dad still asks when I’m getting a “proper job.” I run my own business. Been doing it for three years. But because I don’t wear a suit to work, apparently I’m still figuring things out.
Mates (The Ones You Actually Pick)
Friends are different because you chose them. Nobody made you hang out with these people. You genuinely enjoy their company.
But not all friends are the same, are they? There are levels to this.
My best mate Tom knows about the time I cried watching Toy Story 3. He’s also got keys to my flat. If I called him at 2 am, saying I needed help moving a body, he’d ask what time to pick up the shovel.
Then there’s Mark from football. Sound bloke. Laugh every week. But I couldn’t tell you his last name or where he works. Both relationships matter, just differently.
The pandemic sorted this right out. The friends who texted asking how you were? Proper friends. The ones who only got in touch when they needed something? Well, that tells you everything.
Dating and All That Nonsense
Romantic stuff is where everything gets complicated. These are people you fancy or love or think you might love if they’d stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
There’s casual dating where you both know it’s just fun. Serious relationships where you’re arguing about whose turn it is to take the bins out. Everything between those two points is basically guesswork.
Spent three months last year getting frustrated with this girl I was seeing. She wouldn’t introduce me to her friends. Wouldn’t plan anything more than a week ahead. I thought she was playing games.
Turns out she thought we were just having a laugh. I thought we were building something. Neither of us bothered to actually talk about it like adults.
Now I ask upfront. Saves everyone a lot of awkward conversations later.
Work People (The Ones You’re Stuck With)
Work relationships are weird because you don’t get to choose these people. You’re shoved together for eight hours a day and expected to play nice.
Some work people become actual friends. You go for drinks after work. They know about your personal life. You’d hang out even if you didn’t work together.
Others are working people. Chat by the coffee machine, maybe grab lunch occasionally, but that’s it. Nothing wrong with that.
I messed this up spectacularly with my old boss. Started treating him like a mate. Made jokes about company decisions. Shared my actual opinions about upper management.
Nearly got myself fired. Learned to keep work relationships at work after that.
Random People You See About
These are people you know but don’t really know. The woman in the corner shop who always asks how your day’s going. Your neighbour who nods when you pass in the hallway. The bloke at the gym who always uses the treadmill next to yours.
They make life nicer. Bit of chat here and there. Makes you feel like you’re part of something bigger.
But expecting deep conversations from these people is mental. They’re being polite, not trying to become your new best friend.
The Weird In-Between Stuff
Friends Who Sleep Together: This is where it gets messy. You’re mates but also fancy each other. Sounds simple, but never stays that way. Someone always catches feelings. Usually, the person who swore they wouldn’t.
Whatever This Is: You know the one. You’re more than friends but less than partners. Nobody knows what to call it. These drive everyone mental because nobody knows where they stand.
People Who Teach You Stuff: Could be a boss, older colleague, or someone who’s been where you want to go. These relationships are brilliant when they work, but tricky to get right.
What Changed When I Figured This Out
Once I sorted out these basic types of relationships in my head, everything got easier. Stopped expecting my work colleagues to care about my weekend plans. Stopped getting upset when casual dates didn’t turn serious overnight.
Each type has different rules. Trying to force your mate to act like family causes problems. Expecting strangers to be instant friends leads to disappointment.
The Messy Reality
Most relationships don’t fit perfectly into boxes. My girlfriend is also my best friend. Some work people have become close mates. Family relationships change as you get older.
But having these categories helps when things get confusing. When someone disappoints you, ask yourself, Am I expecting the wrong thing here?
How My Life Looks Now
These days, I’ve got my core people (family and chosen family). Close friends who’d help hide a body. Good friends for laughing with. Work people who stay at work. Random people who make daily life pleasant.
Dating still gets complicated sometimes. But at least I know what I want and what I’m offering.
Bottom Line
Basic types of relationships aren’t about shoving people into boxes. It’s about managing your expectations properly.
You can’t give everyone the same energy. Shouldn’t expect the same support from everyone either.
Figure out what type of relationship you actually have with someone. Then treat them accordingly.
Trust me, your social life becomes much less knackered once you get this sorted.
